


Dawn of the End

by DetectiveKnight



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Action/Adventure, Diary/Journal, Eventual Romance, F/M, Mention of Previous Games, Original Characters - Freeform, Slow Burn, Spoilers, descriptions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 04:35:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3677700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetectiveKnight/pseuds/DetectiveKnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cullen is recruited to be the Commander of the Inquisition's forces, he doesn't expect things to be easy. However, the way things turn out is more than anyone could have expected, especially when it comes to who their leader is and those she surrounds herself with.</p><p>From the journal of Commander Cullen Rutherford, as he and the Inquisition grows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is very antagonistic toward strangers.

Sister Leliana suggested we keep logs of what happens during the Inquisition, but I don’t think a journal is what she meant. However, I have decided that keeping a journal as my log might help me keep sane. Maker knows I’ll need all the help I can get when it comes to that.

I suppose I should introduce myself, should this come to be some form of useful account on the Inquisition.

My name is Cullen Rutherford. I am the commander of the Inquisition’s forces, and I was at one time a Templar in the Ferelden Circle tower and Knight-Captain at the Circle in Kirkwall. Sister Leliana, the Left Hand of the Divine, recruited me from Kirkwall, along with Cassandra Pentaghast, the Right Hand of the Divine. Things were going rather well for an infant organization such as ours, until the Breach opened in the sky and Rifts began pouring demons out of the Fade and into our lands.

We had scouts investigating the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes when they claimed a Rift opened near ground level. They moved closer, hoping to get rid of the initial flow of demons they expected to come out, but instead a woman fell out, the silhouette of another woman behind her just before that Rift closed. The woman fell unconscious as soon as the Rift closed, so the scouts carried her back. She was the only survivor of the explosion that caused the Breach, so we needed to interrogate her and find out if she knew anything about what really happened. Sister Leliana and Cassandra put her in our improvised prison and cuffed her, waiting for her to wake up.

I saw her as they carried her past to the prison, but only for a moment. I must admit that all I noticed was the pulsing green light coming from her hand. When she woke up, I was able to hear the yelling that Cassandra called interrogation. However, I did not see her again until Cassandra dragged her up the mountain to the nearest Rift. I was there with some of our forces, trying to stop the flow of demons from it, or at least slow it.

Too many of them were dying at the demons’ hands, rather than the other way around, as we had hoped. They were barely more than recruits, many of them still in their youth. Some had never even lifted a weapon before they left home to join us. They fought hard, but their inexperience was showing. I should not have accepted their assistance in this; I knew many would not be able to survive this. I fought as hard as I could, trying to support them, but even as I did I watched more and more of the men I had brought with me fall. I am but one man. It was enough to make even one with the strongest morale possible waver.

It didn’t help that I felt so slow and weak, like a dumb ox. Without the lyrium I had taken as part of my regiment for my time as a Templar, this is the way I always feel as I move. I had stopped taking it to try to become the man I had been before, but the withdrawls are torture, and even when I am not suffering one I do not feel whole.

Enough about that. As we were fighting, I saw two small forms bolt past me. I had turned, planning to attack, but had to force myself to a stop when I saw that it was not two more demons, but rather Cassandra and the prisoner, who was wielding a pair of daggers. A flash of ice froze a demon in its place nearby, and a bolt buried itself in its neck and shattered it into a thousand tiny pieces, alerting me to the presence of Varric and Solas as well. With their help, we were able to stop the flow of demons.

Once we managed that, the prisoner placed her daggers on her back and reached up with the hand the light had been coming from. It seemed to me she was just staring into space, but that would not explain the sound of rushing air. Then she clenched her fist and jerked it back, as if ripping a tapestry down.  The rift folded in on itself and shattered with a boom. The remaining pieces just melted from existence.

It was only until after I sent the remaining soldiers back down the mountain that I was able to speak with Cassandra. I congratulated her on the victory, but she merely made a noise and directed my thanks to the prisoner. That was when I got a good look at her.

I felt as if I should recognize her, but I did not. At the time, she was in armor obviously too large for her, and her skin was coated in layers of grime. She has red-blond hair, tied in a bun that was at the time just a tangled mess of long hair. Her lips are very pink, always either pursed in thought or stretched into a wide smile. She has freckles dotting all her exposed skin, and her eyes are the same green as the grass of Honnleath in the spring.

Maker, I realize how that sounds. I was not so… So attentive to this detail at first. More, I was focused on how many I had led to their deaths and that as far as we were aware, she was the cause of both the explosion and the Breach. I had heard the rumors about her, that she had been delivered from the Fade by Andraste, but I doubted them. I basically dismissed her then.

We escorted her to the Breach after that. She was able to do very well in aiding in the fight, catching me by surprise. A few times, Cassandra had to cover her while she hurriedly downed a health potion, but otherwise she did well. What seemed like ages of escorting her there ended up truly being only a few minutes.

She did close the Breach, however, despite the force of the Breach nearly killing her. It still is up in the sky, but it is closed and no more demons are coming out of it to attack us, only out of Rifts that she is working to close. After she did that, the people of the Inquisition began to call her the Herald of Andraste. I only called her that because we still didn’t know her name.

She – the Herald – collapsed again after closing the Breach. She remained unconscious for three days. Adan, the apothecary who was caring for her with Solas, made reports of strange talking in her sleep, of confusing subjects neither he nor Solas could understand. They also reported a large amount of grimacing, groaning, and tossing in her sleep. Solas concluded that her Mark was hurting her, though he believed that now it would no longer spread and would not pose a threat to her life any more.

When I heard that, I felt bad for thinking ill of her, but we also did not know much of anything about her, so I tried to tell myself that it was for the best that I hadn’t trusted her.

The day she opened her eyes was a very eventful one.

I finally learned her name, and her title as well. I was told that she is Lady Cecily Trevelyan of Ostwick, from a noble  family that has dedicated most all of its members to the Chantry.

She was summoned to the war council meeting we – meaning Sister Leliana, Cassandra, our ambassador Lady Josephine Montilyet, and myself – were having. After cleaning herself up (and after an unfortunate run-in with Chancellor Roderick, the self-imposed voice of the Chantry in Haven), she found Cassandra to have her bring her to the war room. Introductions were quickly made (and I must admit that I was a bit more harsh than I needed to be) before we moved on to speak of how we could possibly close the Breach for good. Things grew heated rather quickly.

I was for gaining the support of the Templars, knowing that their skill in suppressing magic could be greatly useful in helping to stop the Breach. The others, however, believed that the support of the mages would be better, as the aid from their magic could be able to overpower it. Before the discussion could turn to straight argument, Josephine turned the conversation to the way that we were denounced by the Chantry, claiming us blasphemous heretics following a false leader.

“Just how am _I_ the Herald of Andraste?”

Though these were not Lady Trevelyan’s first words at the discussion, they are the first that I remember. I hope that this meant she would not allow her newest title to get to her. Cassandra explained the viewpoint of those calling her such, and she mentioned that we had done nothing to stop such claims from spreading.

“It is quite the title, isn’t it? How do you feel about that?” I asked her.

Lady Trevelyan paused to think about it, before slowly saying, “I’m not sure how I should feel about it.”

I could not help but allow my amusement to seep into my voice. “The Chantry has decided that for you, it seems.”

Sister Leliana then began to explain that, in their desperation for some sort of symbol for hope, they had grasped onto what little hope they had seen and clung to its source: Lady Trevelyan, their new Lady Herald. Josephine broke in to point out that others believed her a symbol of what went wrong rather than hope.

Lady Trevelyan brought up an interesting point then, pointing out how those in the Chantry seem more worried about her than the Breach, which was the real problem. The Chantry believes we will only worsen everything, so they have been quick to spread tales of how exactly we will make things turn for the worst. However, a Mother Giselle wishes to speak with Lady Trevelyan, possibly over her support for our cause. We must find her in the Crossroads of the Hinterlands if we wish to continue this discussion, as she refuses to leave the refugees she has been helping there. Lady Trevelyan of course offered to go speak with her as soon as possible. I advised her to look for ways to expand our influence, and Josephine informed her of our search for agents.

Lady Trevelyan began to seem overwhelmed about then, so we disbanded for the time being. Despite calling the meeting to allow her to rest and get her bearings, Lady Trevelyan did not leave right away, instead studying the map we had spread on a table. It wasn’t until I had gathered my reports that she sighed and straightened. She looked at me, her eyes growing tired. A sigh escaped her, but she gave me a small smile before turning to leave herself.

“If I don’t see you again today, Commander Cullen, I hope your day is a good one,” she said, her voice soft and gentle. With that, she turned on her heel and moved out of the room.

Despite it being a small, tired smile, I could still tell that she has a beautiful smile.

One of the captains has come looking for me. He says the new recruits are having issues in their training, so of course they need me. I am glad to help, of course, but at the same time I sometimes wish for more assistance in training them. I will continue this later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. What have I gotten myself into?


	2. Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen, your schoolboy crush is showing...

Lady Trevelyan has decided that she would like to make herself familiar with the area around Haven before she leaves for the Hinterlands. She has spent a lot of time running around Haven, getting to know the people. Many of them ask favors of her, and yet she never says no. They have her running all over the place, gathering metals and herbs and all sorts of other things, menial tasks that should be given to new recruits instead of our Herald. And still she does them, without a single complaint.

Today, I found her running around and poking her head into every house and tent around Haven. When I asked her what she was doing, she simply said, “Looking for notes.” I later found out that she was looking for the notes our previous apothecary Taigen had hidden for Adan.

All we are doing now is waiting for her to decide she is ready to leave for the Hinterlands. Everything has been prepared for the trip. We have decided not to push her to leave soon, as we don’t want her to feel pressured. I believe that right now she just wishes to get her bearings and grow accustomed to her new position as the Herald of Andraste.

“Lady Herald.” “Your Worship.” These are the titles Lady Trevelyan has received from the people. She flinches whenever someone addresses her as such. The people don’t seem to notice this. I am not sure if it means that she is just unused to being called as such, or if she does not like these titles. However, I have noticed that she has a similar reaction when I call her “Lady Trevelyan.” Does she not appreciate her heritage? I feel that I should apologize when I notice this, but what am I to say? “I am sorry you seem to be uncomfortable with everything we call you”? I suppose I will just have to wait for a title she is comfortable with to surface, or for her to grow used to the titles she has now.

* * *

 

I spent most of today training the recruits just outside the main area of Haven. So many have so little experience that they are afraid to even practice. I had to tell my lieutenant exactly what I wanted the recruits to be doing by way of training, because what he had them doing was little more than child’s play. It is sad, the way things are around here. With time, they will improve, but for now I must hope that nothing horrible happens while our best are out with the Herald when she leaves Haven.

The Lady Herald approached me to watch the training, easily dodging the stumbling recruits. With how light on her feet she is, I can understand why she prefers to use daggers. She is so delicate in appearance, I cannot imagine her hefting the war hammers, battle axes, or broadswords warriors use, though I am sure she could if she absolutely had to.

Lady Trevelyan seemed genuinely interested in how our recruits were doing. I filled her in on the influx of recruits we have been receiving, though I did not mention how poorly trained they were: She could see that for herself. Though I am not sure if she noticed that once her presence was known, the recruits began to throw themselves into their training even harder than before.

“None made quite the entrance you did,” I told her.

“At least I got everyone’s attention,” she said, quick to fire back.

“That you did.”

I told her about how I was recruited to the Inquisition. About how Cassandra recruited me from Kirkwall after the mage rebellion began, that they were searching for a way to end the war that was just beginning. It hurts to think about what happened there, just as it does to think about what happened in the Ferelden Circle tower. But now, everything is far worse than expected.

However, if we are able to get some aid, we will be able to do more. The Chantry is doing nothing to help; they are worried more about finding a new Divine to replace Justinia V, as she died at the Conclave as well. But we can do what they cannot: We can solve the problem with the Breach, thanks to the Herald. This was all that I went on about with Lady Trevelyan. I was able to catch myself, however, and apologized for the beginnings of a lecture. She had come to watch the training, not to hear a lecture.

“No, but if you have one prepared, I would love to hear it,” Lady Trevelyan replied, smiling.

That made me laugh. “Another time, perhaps.” She seemed very glad to have gotten a laugh out of me, and I must admit that made me lose my train of thought. To try to cover that up, I mentioned the load of work that must be done, and right then, a scout approached me, saying that Ser Rhylen had a report he wanted to discuss with me. I dismissed myself then, and I did not see her again for a while, as she went back to running errands for the people.

* * *

 

I take walks at night, to clear my head and try to escape from the stress my position places on me. Every night since she woke up, I have found Lady Trevelyan sitting on a rock near the edge of the nearby pond, staring across the water. I have left her alone most nights, but tonight I approached her.

“You’ll catch your death if you stay out here all night,” I said, softly. Still, she startled. “My apologies. I thought you heard me coming.”

Lady Trevelyan turned her gaze to me, and I noticed just how sad she looked. “I should have heard you. I was lost in thought.”

“Is everything alright?”

She sighed and looked back over the water. “I’ll be fine. This is just a little much for me.”

“It would be a little much for anyone, Lady Herald. You are doing very well.”

Lady Trevelyan looked back at me. “You really think so?” I nodded, and she let out a breath. “Well, that’s good, I suppose.”

We fell silent then, and we remained that way for a while, she sitting on her rock and I standing beside her. I can’t say about how she felt about it, but it was not an awkward silence for me. Eventually, I noticed her begin to shiver.

“We should get you back inside before you grow ill. Come with me.”

Lady Trevelyan stood and took the arm I offered her. She began to chatter about the people, mentioning names I only just recognized. I walked her back to the cabin she was staying in and started the fire for her. She stopped me before I left.

“Thank you, Commander. You are a good man,” she said. I smiled and bade her good night before leaving. The Herald is just full of surprises.

My headache has returned. Damned lyrium withdrawls make it hard to continue on. If only I had something that could stop them. Health potions do nothing, and everything Adan has tried has done nothing as well. I suppose I should retire for the night. The empty darkness of sleep is the only way I can escape these headaches. Now I must only hope that the nightmares aren’t too bad tonight.

* * *

 

The Herald is to leave for the Hinterlands tomorrow. She is spending today preparing herself for the long journey on foot, as we don’t have any horses just yet. That is another reason we are sending her to the Hinterlands: Horsemaster Dennet lives in the farms outside Redcliffe, and we may be able to convince him to join our cause and bring with him some horses.

The Herald approached me again today, wishing to ask me about my past as a Templar. She had many questions, about what it was like serving in a Circle, what Templars do, why I became a Templar. Eventually, she asked me about vows. I explained the vigil meant to bring us peace before we begin one of the biggest changes of our lives, and how your life is basically written out for you after you take your vigil. That is when you begin to take lyrium. That is when you dedicate your entire life to the Maker and carrying out the duties of that path.

Then, she asked me something I never thought I would be asked.

“A life of service and sacrifice. Are Templars expected to give up physical temptations?”

At first I had no idea why she would ask that, but once I understood, I grew very embarrassed. I explained that though some may choose to do so, to prove their devotion, it is not expected or required. Templars can marry, but they must be given permission from the Order and follow certain rules about it.

Then she threw me for another loop.

“Have you?”

It was incredibly personal, and I could have avoided answering by pointing that out, but instead I stumbled over my own words as I said that I had not. Then I had to ask her if we could change the subject, because I was just growing more and more embarrassed.

As if it were nothing, Lady Trevelyan changed the subject to the coming expedition to the Hinterlands. She is a very interesting person, though I must admit I am not sure how I feel about her flirting. Does she do this with everyone, or am I the lucky one?

Maker’s breath, why am I worrying about this? I should be worrying about the training of our recruits, not over schoolboy issues of “Does she like me or am I imagining things?” like this. Besides, it would not be possible, not with everything going on. I need to focus.

If Sister Leliana insists on reading this, I may just die of embarrassment.

* * *

 

The Herald left today. It is much quieter around Haven without them all. I am sure that with Varric having gone along too that the Herald will wish for the quiet around here. Varric is very talkative, and he does not get along well with Cassandra. Those two get along about as well as a cat and a dog would.

I am not sure how I feel about this silence. I have grown so used to being able to hear Cassandra’s loud voice anywhere around Haven, to being able to hear Varric’s storytelling and Solas’ insistent tips for Adan and the surgeon. I am used to being able to pick out the Herald’s voice over all the din of Haven’s inhabitants, as she tries to learn more about the Inquisition and what she is to do. But I must get used to the silence, as the Herald will have to leave Haven often because of her duties.

Speaking of duties, Lady Trevelyan is to speak with Mother Giselle and find out what it is that she wanted to talk about, and with Horsemaster Dennet to find out what will convince him to join our cause. She is also to search for agents willing to join the Inquisition and ways to improve our influence. I am confident she will be able to do so easily.

Though there were no horses to make the procession seem that much more influential, it was a very impressive sight to behold. Lady Trevelyan took the lead, followed by Cassandra, Varric, and Solas, and behind them a group of scouts and our best recruits. I can only imagine what her procession will look like when we have horses.

Sister Leliana sent along a few of her ravens as well. They are to be our means of communication while Lady Trevelyan and her companions are out.  This way, we won’t be kept in the dark about the happenings in the Hinterlands.

For now, things are going back to the way they were before the Breach. Our recruits are training for war, I am overseeing the training, and Sister Leliana and Lady Josephine are doing their best to try to bring the Inquisition into a positive light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept getting stuck on this one, ugh.  
> I would also like to let you guys know that updates aren't likely to come this quickly under normal circumstances. On Saturday I was in the ER, and I've been staying home from school because of a double eye infection, so I've had a lot of free time. Once I get back to school, I won't have this much free time, unfortunately. But again, after May, I'll have more time again because I'll have graduated. So hopefully, slow updates will only last for about two months, give or take.


	3. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen pays attention to the little details.

The Herald and her company have been gone for five days. There has been no word yet, but based on the timing Cassandra had planned on, they should just be arriving at the Hinterlands today, if they didn’t yesterday. It is still oddly quiet around here; I have not grown any more used to this silence. It has been very strange, not seeing Lady Trevelyan when I go on my nightly walks. It makes the edge of the water seem very lonely, almost sad, even.

Chief Scout Harding was sent ahead with some of our best scouts, to establish an initial camp and find out what they could so the Herald wouldn’t be running blindly into the conflict of the Hinterlands. She has sent back a raven, letting us know that as of when she sent the raven, the Herald had not yet arrived, but they still had much to let us know about: The Templars and mages in the area are basically going insane and attacking anything on sight, and many homes have been burned down in the fighting. Mother Giselle is at the Crossroads, taking care of refugees trying to escape the fighting. A one Corporal Vale is there, trying to help as well, but he is not having much success. She also had much knowledge of the area the way it had been. I suspect she is from that area.

I have thrown myself further into the progress of the recruits’ training. They are beginning to look much better, especially compared to the way they were. Even those who have never held a sword before they arrived here at Haven are beginning to look professional.

Josephine is working hard toward gaining support for the Inquisition from local nobles, but so far she has had no luck. We are not sure why she has had no luck, whether it is outside influence or just overall wariness of such a new group.

Sister Leliana is trying her best to find out what she can about the leaders of the mages and the Templars. She believes it would be best for us if we know everything possible about both sides before we commit to one side or the other, despite her own leaning toward gaining the support of the mages.

Right now, our main worry aside from the Herald’s responsibilities in the Hinterlands is dealing with the Breach. It has remained closed since the Herald nearly killed herself in closing it, but it is still there. The goal is to close it for good, to no longer look up and see its swirling green mass every day. After that, we’ll just have to see what happens.

* * *

 

We received our first raven from the Herald today. It was just a notice that they had arrived and been briefed by Scout Harding.  It also mentioned that they were to leave for their initial trip out of the camp just after they sent out this raven. Sister Leliana guesses that it takes about a day for her ravens to make it from one side to the other, so she would have gone out for the first time yesterday. By now she may have reached the Crossroads. I wonder if Mother Giselle will make her prove herself before coming to help us. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did. Considering how new the Inquisition is and how recently the Herald joined us, anyone would want some sort of proving.

I have no doubts that Lady Trevelyan will be able to anything Mother Giselle asks and more. She is an extremely capable woman. Normally my opinions on nobles are nowhere near this positive. In general, many nobles seem to be too focused on insignificant things, but Lady Trevelyan knows exactly what needs to happen and just does it, no questions asked.

Assuming what Mother Giselle asks her doesn’t take too long, I expect the Revered Mother to leave for Haven in just a few days at most. Now, it is just a matter of waiting for either word from one of them or the arrival of Mother Giselle.

* * *

 

 

The Herald has now been gone for twelve days. Still the near silence is deafening.

Mother Giselle arrived earlier today. She had reports of the horrible circumstances in the Hinterlands, but also brought the good news that the Herald was working very hard on trying to quell their fighting. The Revered Mother also brought with her the news that the Chantry is denouncing the Inquisition, rather than worrying more about the Breach or their search for the new Divine. She is already working hard with Sister Leliana on trying to locate clerics to send to Val Royeaux to have the Herald attempt to convince them that we are not the threat they seem to think we are.

She also brought with her our first series of notes and reports from the Herald and company. Each one of them had written something (though I’m certain Varric and Solas only did at Cassandra’s loud, repeated insistence, as there was only one from each of them, and several from her and the Herald).

Varric’s and Solas’ reports were very brief. Solas mainly detailed the supplies the Herald has been finding, and Varric detailed the battles (and whatever gossip he picked up on). There were several from Cassandra, but hers were written in shorthand. She detailed only what she thought was important, meaning whatever they accomplished that was more than just the random battles with bears Varric seemed so focused on. Lady Trevelyan wrote the most. It seems that she treats her reports as a sort of journal of the day’s events, as there were details on just about everything. The last sheet was addressed directly to me.

“Cullen: So far the only agent – rather, agents – I have been able to recruit are to work under you. They are Corporal Vale’s Irregulars. They should arrive shortly after Mother Giselle does, as Corporal Vale said he needed to gather up all his men. He had them out searching for supplies to try to help the refugees, so they were spread out across the Hinterlands. Maybe two days after Mother Giselle arrives is when you should expect them to arrive. We should be back in Haven a few days after them. The Irregulars are trained, but in ways their name suggests: Unconventionally. They will be useful, of course, but you may wish to train them in your ways. Best, Cecily Trevelyan.”

It is good to hear that they will be home soon. The silence has been too much. I hadn’t realized how used to the noise I had gotten. Of course, it isn’t truly silent, but without the most animated of our people, it seems that way.

I noticed she used my first name. I wonder if that is just because she refers to everyone by their first name?

Lady Trevelyan’s handwriting is very beautiful, like herself.

Maker, did I really just write that?

* * *

 

The Herald has been gone for fourteen days now. Still, the silence is deafening. I continue to throw myself into the training of the recruits to try to pass the time, but it is beginning to grow duller and duller the more I do so. I wonder if Sister Leliana or Josephine would have something for me to do, as I don’t think I can stand much more of this. Not now that I have grown so used to all the excitement the Herald has brought with her.

Corporal Vale and his Irregulars arrived today, and so did a raven from the Herald. Lady Trevelyan’s estimate on their arrival was correct: They did indeed arrive two days after Mother Giselle. She was also right in that they had very unusual training. However, I think I’m just going to introduce them to some of our techniques and then just let them be otherwise. Their unconventional strategies could be very useful.

The raven carried a note that said Lady Trevelyan and her company are about four days out from Haven. They managed to convince Horsemaster Dennet to come, but he was only able to spare one horse for her company, as he needs the others to carry his supplies to Haven. So, they are only using the horse in Lady Trevelyan’s care to carry the items she gathered and had not yet sold. Lady Trevelyan also mentioned that she was not finished in the Hinterlands, but that Mother Giselle hinted that it was important she returned to Haven as soon as possible. That is true, as we will have to send her to Val Royeaux to address the issue with the Chantry as soon as possible.

More than likely, she will wish to return to the Hinterlands after she finishes in Val Royeaux. That is also where the mages are camped out. Now it seems it will just have to be a matter of which Lady Trevelyan chooses.

* * *

 

Lady Trevelyan and her company are back in Haven. Those eighteen days felt much longer than that, more like a month or more. It is no longer strangely silent. In fact, it now seems louder than it did before she left. Granted, we did gain quite a few people, but still. I am not saying it is a bad thing; I appreciate how lively it is around here.

The Herald gave notice that Horsemaster Dennet is to arrive tomorrow. This was sooner than we expected, but luckily we had already cleaned up the stables. The Herald’s horse seems a little lonely without the rest of her herd, but at least she won’t be alone for long.

We are calling a meeting at the war table in a moment. I had best gather my reports.

* * *

 

Lady Trevelyan pulled me aside after the meeting. She asked me to meet her by the pond, at the same spot I found her that night. That surprised me; I hadn’t expected her to want to talk to me alone.

She smiled when she noticed me coming, and got up off her rock. Even when she isn’t sitting, I still stand nearly two heads taller than her.

“What did you wish to talk to me about, Lady Trevelyan?” And there was her flinch again.

“Actually, about the way you refer to me. I’m still getting used to the ‘Herald of Andraste’ status, and I don’t really like to be called by my family name. It just brings up bad memories I’d rather not remember.”

“Oh. My apologies.”

She waved her hand. “No need to worry about it, Commander. Please, just call me Cecily.”

“Of course.” There was her pretty smile again.

“Thank you, Commander.”

Then, it was my turn to ask her something. “May I ask why you refer to me as ‘Commander’ when you call nearly everyone else by their first name?”

Cecily flushed all the way up to her ears. It was adorable, really. “Oh, um, I suppose it was because you continued to call me ‘Lady Trevelyan’ or ‘the Herald.’”

“Well, please, call me Cullen. I understand you are capable of doing so,” I replied, teasing her about the part of her report addressed to me.

If it were possible, she turned even brighter red. “Oh, of course, Cullen.”

“Was there another reason you wished to speak with me?”

“No, Cullen. That was it.”

“I see. Well then, would you like to take a walk with me?”

“Of course.”

It was very nice to take my usual walk with someone with me, rather than alone. Mostly I let Cecily tell me stories of her time in the Hinterlands. She had a very eventful time there, judging by her stories. But she seems to be enjoying herself doing this, so that’s good to hear.

Unfortunately, partway through our walk, my headache began to bother me again. Cecily noticed and asked me what was wrong. I passed it off as a simple headache, but she mentioned noticing that I seem to have many. Maybe I am not as good at hiding them as I thought. I just hope that her noticing this does not make her worry about me. I need to find something to help this, because it’s beginning to get to be too much for me to deal with. Maybe I should try to approach Solas or Adan again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days, and I only posted the first chapter five days ago? Jesus, I'm just pounding these out.
> 
> I'm glad this seems to be getting received well, though. I was a little worried I wasn't doing Cullen justice, since I don't usually write characters like him. But it's always good to branch out, of course!


	4. Daybreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen has FEELINGS.

Even though Cecily has asked me to refer to her by her first name, I have yet to do so in person. I suppose it just stems from nerves, but why would I be nervous to call her by her first name? I’ve done it here; I started right when she asked me. I have no idea why I can’t do it yet.

Yet. That is always the key word, I suppose.

Tonight, I beat Cecily to her place by the pond. I decided to stand by her rock and wait for her, though I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t have anything in particular to tell her, so I suppose I just wanted to talk with her.

She caught me unaware, while I was searching the sky for constellations. I was staring up at the sky when suddenly I felt a hand disturb my furs, just below the back of my neck. I tensed to- I don’t know, attack? But then I heard her voice.

“Searching for constellations, are we?” And there she was, standing beside me on the rock, tall enough on it to be able to reach just below my neck without her hand coming above her shoulder level. Cecily was using me for balance.

“Yes, although I never was very good at picking them out.”

It was silent for a while. Cecily moved her hand away (I wanted her to leave it, but I could never have admitted that) and settled herself onto her rock. A moment later, I sat too, on a smaller rock I kicked beside hers. We stayed there, staring up at the sky or at the reflection of the stars in the pond’s surface, for a while. Eventually, she broke the silence, asking me about my past. When I asked for specifics, she said she wanted to know about when I met the Hero of Ferelden and all the times I worked with the Champion of Kirkwall.

I suppose I should write about both of those, since I haven’t yet.

Eleven years ago, during the Fifth Blight, I was stationed at Kinloch Hold, Ferelden’s Circle tower. Blood mages overran the Templars and the other mages, summoning demons and killing many. The Templars who hadn’t escaped and weren’t killed were either possessed or charmed by Desire Demons. I was trapped in a prison created by Uldred, the leader of the blood mages. When the Hero of Ferelden came through (at the time she was simply Warden Melusine Cousland), I thought she and her companions were more illusions. She managed to convince me that she was not, and I urged her to kill every mage in the Harrowing Chamber. She did not do as I asked, instead saving the mages (and securing their alliance through the Warden Treaties) from Uldred after a trip through the Fade. The Hero was a kind woman, having come for the initial purpose of getting aide from the mages in order to save the son of the then-arl, Eamon Guerrin, and his son Connor from a demon, though she did kill two birds with one stone by securing the aide of the mages for the treaty as well. She came with Warden Alistair Theirin (who would later become king, and the Hero his queen), Sister Leliana, and the apostate Morrigan, and she left with those three and an enchanter from our Circle, a woman named Wynne. I didn’t know it until much later, but she was the one to kill the Archdemon and save Ferelden.

Then, after the Blight ended, I was sent to Kirkwall to serve under Knight-Commander Meredith. I first met the Champion of Kirkwall in her second year there, as she somehow became involved in the search for Templar recruits who had disappeared. Thanks to her, we recovered those who had lived. Then, after she went on her trip to the Deep Roads that led to her sister becoming a Grey Warden (Cressida Hawke had a habit of surrounding herself in somewhat strange people, including a blood mage; two more apostates, one of whom was her sister and the other a former Grey Warden; a pirate; a former slave; the Captain of the Guard; and Varric), she was involved in the death of a Templar who was vocally supporting the use of the Rite of Tranquility on every mage in the Gallows. After she ended the Qunari Rebellion (which is what earned her the title “Champion”), I met her again when her friend Captain Aveline Hendyr was accused of many things that ended up being completely false. Once the Mage Rebellion began, I helped her overthrow Meredith. She disappeared after that, having gone on the run with her love, the very mage who began the entire Mage Rebellion.

Cecily is a good listener. I wrote a much shorter version of what I told her, but she listened intently, fascinated by what I had to say. I did not expect her to be this fascinated by my past, but I suppose it sounds like a good story to people who did not experience it.

“It sounds like you have had an unnecessarily hard life, Cullen. I’m sorry.”

_That_ was what surprised me the most.

“Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t under your control.”

Cecily fell silent, but I could see the wheels of her mind turning. She again surprised me when she did finally break her silence.

“Did you know you have a habit of rubbing the back of your neck when you speak?”

“What?”

“You do. Mostly if you are nervous or embarrassed. You also have a habit of resting your hand on the hilt of your sword, and you squeeze it just before you speak.”

I thought on it, and of course, she was right. “Maker’s breath, now I’ll be self-conscious of all my actions when I speak.”

Cecily laughed. She has a beautiful laugh. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just said the first thing to come to mind.”

“I see. Well, why don’t we take a short walk before we return?”

“I would love to.”

Maker’s breath, but Cecily is a wonderful woman. What am I going to do with myself now that I’ve met her?

* * *

 

Cecily left with Varric, Solas, and Cassandra today for Val Royeaux. Even though it is all the way in the heart of Orlais, it should take a significantly shorter amount of time to get there than it did to reach the Hinterlands now that we have horses we can send them on. It is still quiet around here, though somewhat less so quiet than when she left for the first time.

This time, Cecily noticed the operations waiting for addressing on the war table before she left. She assigned one each to Sister Leliana, Josephine, and myself before she left. I enjoy working on these; it gives me more to do than just work on the training of the recruits. To be completely honest, I enjoy working on the operations so much that mine is already almost completed.

I am somewhat worried about their time in Val Royeaux. Not only is it Orlais, but that is where the people of the Chantry most opposed to us are gravitating toward. I have heard that Lord Seeker Lucius is there as well, but I still do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

 

I have finished with the operation Cecily gave me, and we haven’t even received the raven she is to send us to let us know she has arrived in Val Royeaux. I suppose this means I must go back to working on training the recruits.

Please believe me when I say I don’t hate training the recruits. I just don’t enjoy having to basically show the same thing to different people every other day. Maybe I should just train a lieutenant and give him my training duties. But then, if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to ensure that their training is quality unless I was there personally to watch every day, and that would defeat the purpose.

I need to find a way to enjoy this again. How do people enjoy doing this their entire lives? I have been doing it for merely a few months and I am already sick of it. I commend any teacher or trainer who is happy with their work, because I definitely cannot do it myself without getting bored or unhappy in my work.

* * *

 

We received a raven from Cecily today. They only spent three days in Val Royeaux, and they are already on their way back to Haven. It appears that much happened while she was there, but she did not specify anything. I suppose she wants to wait to say it in person, rather than through a message.

It took her and her company about three days to get there, so we should expect them back about three days from now. I hope it is good news she brings us. My biggest fear about this is my fears of bad things happening to them actually to have happen. Maker, I hope that makes as much sense as it did in my head.

Though, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, as Sister Leliana doesn’t seem to want to read these reports she wanted us to start making. That is a good thing, though, because this is really turning into a true journal for me, and I would rather die than have her find out my true feelings for Cecily.

Maker’s breath, that’s what they are, though. Aren’t they? I care for Cecily. I must admit, it feels good to finally admit this to myself, but I doubt I could ever act on it. What would they say?

I need to stop thinking about this. I should go check on the recruits. Wait – the recruits have stopped their training for today. I should go take my walk.

* * *

 

Cecily returned today. She came with two new companions and a new agent, who is to work under Josephine. Her new companions are an Elven archer woman named Sera and an Orlesian mage, Imperial Enchanter Vivienne de Fer. Sera likes to play pranks on people, and she has a habit of purposely getting names wrong – she calls Cecily “Harrold” after her title. Vivienne is very haughty and claimed a portion of the Chantry here for herself. I am not sure how I feel about them, but I suppose that if Cecily trusts them enough to bring them back, then by all means, she may work with them.

First, she told us of what happened in Val Royeaux.

Revered Mother Hevara was preaching against us when they arrived, but shortly after they reached the platform she was on, the Revered Mother was punched by Lord Seeker Lucius. He taunted both Cecily and the Chantry before announcing he would not support either and that he was withdrawing his forces from the city. Belle, the new agent, approached Cecily and asked to join, as she was sick of all of the politics of the Chantry. Of course, Cecily accepted her request and sent her to where they were staying during their time in Val Royeaux.

Then, an arrow hit the ground near her feet, having been shot from someplace unseen. Attached was a note asking for help in getting rid of “an enemy of the Inquisition.” It was a message from Sera. Cecily did end up helping her, that night, and recruited her then. Sera is apparently a member of the Friends of Red Jenny, and I suppose that means she has connections that could be helpful.

Cecily was also approached by a messenger sent by Madame de Fer, inviting her to her salon. Apparently, Vivienne rescued Cecily from a confrontation that could have turned violent and then offered to join the Inquisition. She accepted after asking more about her motives: Vivienne seems to be interested in ending the war between the mages and the Templars, because she wishes for the Circle to be reinstated as it was.

Just before Cecily left the city on their last day, she and the others were met by Grand Enchanter Fiona, the leader of the rebel mages. She invited them to Redcliffe Castle to discuss a possible allegiance, then disappeared just like that, according to Cecily’s statement.

Cecily has decided to ask the mages for help. Not only did Lord Seeker Lucius discourage her, but something the Grand Enchanter said made her suspicious that something is wrong about everything going on involving the mages at Redcliffe. She wants to find out what it is and stop it, if she possibly can.

We delivered the reports on the operations we were given, and Cecily assigned us each another. Sister Leliana said that while most of the Grey Wardens have gone missing, she was able to locate one in the Hinterlands. Yet another reason to go back there and finish up what she hadn’t before.

On the way out of the Chantry, I noticed Cecily was stopped by someone. When I asked her afterwards, she said it was a Tevinter man who gave the name Krem. He said that the leader of the band of mercenaries he was in was inviting Cecily to come see them in action and decide if she wanted to hire them. The name of the group is the Bull’s Chargers. She explained to me that their leader is a Qunari man named The Iron Bull, article included. Cecily has decided that she is going to go to the Storm Coast to follow up on the invitation, as well.

* * *

 

Cecily is leaving for the Storm Coast today. There is much going on there, but less than there is in the Hinterlands. She has decided to take care of what’s going on there before returning to the Hinterlands. Her logic is that if she decides to take on the mercenary’s offer, she will have a more threatening companion to bring along to Redcliffe than a couple of mages, an angry woman with a shield, an elf with a bow, or a dwarf with a crossbow could be. Of course, each is threatening in their own way, but bringing a Qunari along with her could definitely make people think twice about messing with her, ideally.

Obviously, she is worrying about the goings-on in Redcliffe. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be worrying about bringing along a “threatening” companion to just meet with a group of mages. I’m not sure I like the idea of hiring a band of mercenaries to work for us, but if it makes Cecily feel more secure, then I am in no place to deny her. Besides, we could use all the help we can get.

For now, it’s just a matter of waiting for her to return before she goes back to the Hinterlands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer than the others, but it's still short compared to what others can write. Oh, well.  
> Things are about to get ugly here. Maybe in two chapters. Three tops.


	5. The Golden Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is a clucking hen, and rightfully so.

We received a raven from Cecily. She is nearly done with everything in the Storm Coast. She had reports of mercenaries (somehow she had managed to convince them to stop attacking everything that moved out at the Storm Coast and hired them, to be agents under me), demons, and a dragon fighting a giant. Cecily has decided that the dragon has to go, but is going to wait before she attacks it.

Maker, she already has plans to attack a dragon? She may as well have said she wants to jump off a cliff!

Cecily was able to recruit the Bull’s Chargers. The Iron Bull’s mercenaries are to still work under him, but he has promised that if I have use for them, I may give them assignments as well. At least he sounds reasonable so far.

She also mentioned finding signs of Grey Wardens, but none actually in the area. I suppose this must mean that all the Wardens really are disappearing. I just wish I knew why. It is a good thing Sister Leliana found the Warden in the Hinterlands, as once we find him, we may find clues as to why the rest of his brethren are simply disappearing without much trace.

She will be returning soon. That news was the best. I don’t like the idea of her out there with two mercenary bands I am not familiar with as well as a loose dragon. Once they return, I will have to find out what I can about these people she has recruited.

* * *

 

Cecily has returned, along with the Bull’s Chargers and the Blades of Hessarian. The Blades of Hessarian are the other mercenary group she conscripted. Apparently, they are highly religious and follow some sort of cultish version of Andrastianism. I suppose they are alright, considering they are basically a cult of mercenaries we hired. I must admit that they have been well-trained.

I now understand why The Iron Bull is called such. His horns look nothing like those of the Qunari I have seen before, curving back along the crest of the skull. His stick straight out and point up, like a bull’s. I must admit, it is rather intimidating.

The Bull’s Chargers are much more agreeable, all things considered. Each one has different training, allowing for specializations within the group. The Iron Bull is a Ben-Hassrath, meaning a Qunari spy. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but Cecily reassured me that it would prove useful. While it was true that the Qunari would receive information, the Inquisition would also receive information. I have noticed that Cecily already calls him by a nickname, “Bull.” He seems to let friends call him that, though he calls Cecily “Boss.” I am surprised that they seem to have become friends so quickly.

Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that much. The Iron Bull is very likeable, for a Qunari. He is nothing like those who attacked Kirkwall those years ago. Any Qunari unlike them is alright in my book, I suppose.

Still, I don’t like the way he flirts with everyone. I mean _everyone._ He even flirted with me, the first time I met him. Cecily takes it in jest, but I am still worried. I’ve taken to checking for obvious signs that he has been successful with her.

Maker’s breath, I’m the jealous type.

* * *

 

I suppose this makes it official. I care for Cecily, the way commanders should not feel about their equals. I have fallen for our Herald.

I suppose it’s been obvious for a while, but I just haven’t been able to admit it to myself. Maybe I thought that if I didn’t admit it to myself, it would go away. Of course, that’s a ridiculous notion.

I wonder if there was anything specific that led to this, or if it was just everything in combination. Was it her beautiful smile, her sweet personality? Maybe her obvious flirtation? Whether it be one of those reasons or another, or any combination of them, I have fallen for Cecily and I don’t see any way that could end. But I don’t want it to end. I want to be with her.

I just want to spend my time with Cecily.

* * *

 

Cecily is just about to leave for the Hinterlands. I can hear her saddling her horse, along with The Iron Bull, Varric, and Vivienne. They will be going there in order to find the Grey Warden Sister Leliana found, to finish the business Cecily hadn’t finished before, and to speak with the mages about their support.

I am still worried about what will happen during the talks with the mages. There is a lot to go wrong with this, and I keep imagining the worst.

They are to leave in an hour. I should go speak with Cecily before she leaves. I won’t have another chance for quite some time, otherwise.

Maybe I should tell her.

* * *

 

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t tell Cecily how I feel. Instead, I made for a very awkward conversation partner, shuffling my feet and stumbling over what I did say. I wish I at least hadn’t been awkward.

While Cecily was very stoic before she left, she still managed to laugh when I stumbled over simple words: “Please be careful.” It embarrassed me, but at least she laughed.

Cecily confided in me that she was worried about what was to happen when she went to speak with the mages. She has a bad feeling about this, and I must say that I do as well. Something just feels off to me, and while I can’t exactly place it just yet, I know that something will go wrong. I just don’t know what.

Maker, I hope that what goes wrong isn’t that Cecily dies.

So, instead of telling her how I feel, I told Cecily that I feel uneasy about this all as well. I told her to take care to be as cautious as possible, as I doubt that things will be as easy as walking into Recliffe and talking over a brew at the local tavern. And of course, then I started babbling about being sure her armor was the best she could find and that her daggers were sharpened before she left. That made her laugh again.

“I understand you’re worried, Cullen, but we will be… We will be okay.”

That pause had me nervous, but I just accepted it. “Still, promise me you’ll be very careful. I worry that something bad will happen to you.”

“I promise.”

I had to fight the urge to reach up and caress her cheek. “Thank you. I will be a little less worried knowing you will watch your back.” Cecily smiled.

“Of course, Cullen.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I just stood there shuffling my feet and opening and closing my mouth. Cecily was rubbing her right upper arm, something I’ve begun to notice as what she does when she’s nervous. She had just opened her mouth to say something when The Iron Bull called her over, saying they were just waiting for her.

“I’m sorry, Cullen. I have to go.”

“Of course. Just remember to be safe, alright?”

“I will.” With that, she bade me goodbye and hurried over to her horse, quickly taking up her position in the front of the procession.

I was right, you know. About the procession. It looks much more regal and impressive now that we have horses. Cecily seems to favor one with a mottled coat. I’ve heard her call it Fireheart.

Now that they’re gone, I’m worrying again. Maker watch over her and keep her safe.

I still haven’t called her by her name.

* * *

 

A raven arrived today with a message for me. It was from Cecily. She was letting me know that she had decided to finish her other business in the Hinterlands before she went to speak with the mages. I believe she was trying to offer some form of comfort, that she wasn’t going to speak with them right away, but it just prolongs the time I have to wait. I am unsure if I should be glad she is waiting to speak with the mages, or upset that she is taking her time.

Either way, I just want her back here safe.

* * *

 

The official report of Cecily’s decision to postpone meeting with the mages arrived today, merely one day after her message to me. Sister Leliana is curious about my message, and how I didn’t seem surprised when I was told of her plans. I haven’t let anything on yet, though, so I’m hoping she gives up and doesn’t use her cunning ways of finding things out to discover Cecily’s message to me. I don’t know what she would think, and I would rather not find out.

Cecily says that it should only take a day or two to finish up the other business she had in the Hinterlands. I hope this means that she is working quickly on it, as I would rather she just come home as soon as possible.

Maker’s breath, I sound like a clucking hen.

* * *

 

Another raven arrived from Cecily today. She has recruited the Warden, a man named Blackwall, and she is done with all other business in the Hinterlands. She was on her way to Redcliffe to speak with the mages at the time of writing her message, so she must be discussing things with them right now.

The bad feeling I had before is back, and it’s much stronger than before. It’s all I can do to stop myself from riding out to Redcliffe myself to stop her. I want to send out a message telling her to let me know about everything that happens, but of course I can’t do that. I will just have to wait until she sends another report, or until she returns home.

I would prefer she come home first, but any sort of notice that everything is okay is better than nothing. I hope that nothing bad happens.

* * *

 

Another report from Cecily. She says there was a very strange Fade rift just outside the gates to Redcliffe that could distort time enough to slow down or speed up anyone who walked through that spot. Once she got into Redcliffe, an Inquisition scout happened upon her and was surprised, saying that none of our scouts there were expecting her. I know Leliana sent out a raven to let them know that she was on the way, so something is very wrong. Already the bad things I was worried about are happening.

Cecily found Connor, the son of the previous arl of Redcliffe. He explained that a Tevinter magister by the name of Alexius has taken control in Redcliffe. The mages are indentured to him. He hates that they have done this and all the chaos that Alexius has caused there. Cecily also mentioned that Connor seems to hate mages, including himself, and claims that they are “monsters.” She thinks that Alexius is causing problems involving demons and, because of that, he hates himself, as he was possessed himself as a child and would have destroyed Redcliffe if it wasn’t for the Hero of Ferelden. The poor kid has had so much trouble in his life.

She found Fiona as well. Fiona claims that she hasn’t been to Val Royeaux since before the events at the Conclave. According to Cecily, Fiona has basically given up. Also, Cecily recruited a Tranquil mage named Clemence to work under me. He will return with them.

Magister Alexius found them in the tavern while they were speaking with Fiona. They began negotiations then, but apparently they were more like subtle threats being tossed back and forth. The magister’s son Felix is very ill, and she says he used that to his advantage: He pretended to faint and fell into Cecily’s arms, using that time to pass her a note telling her she is in danger and that she should go to the Chantry as soon as possible. She was just about to as of when she sent this report.

I am worried for her. I have a feeling that it was a trap, but even if it wasn’t, there is something very wrong in Redcliffe.

* * *

 

Cecily has returned to Haven, but she will be leaving again in the morning. She returned only to discuss what happened when she went to the Chantry and what we think she should do.

In the Chantry there, a Fade rift similar to the one outside the town’s gate was pouring demons. A mage named Dorian Pavus, also from Tevinter, was there trying to stop it. After it was closed, Felix appeared and Dorian explained. He was Alexius’ apprentice, and they were working on time magic. They had a sort of falling out, and after that Alexius figured it out. That is how he managed to get to Redcliffe before Cecily did. Alexius is involved in the Venatori, a Tevinter supremacist group. I suspect the Venatori will continue to be a problem even after we finish taking care of Redcliffe.

She has brought Dorian back with her. She seems to really like him, and he is easy with flattery. I am jealous, I will admit it. Should we really trust him if he was Alexius’ apprentice?

Alexius has invited Cecily to the castle. It’s obviously a trap, but Sister Leliana has a plan. Cecily is to distract Alexius, and she and her agents will enter the castle through a secret passage she used to get into the castle when she was part of the Hero of Ferelden’s group eleven years ago.

I am glad we have a plan instead of running in blindly, but I have a feeling that something will go wrong. I don’t like this at all, and I don’t know if we should trust this Dorian. Cecily seems to adore him, however, so I suppose that means I must give him a chance.

* * *

 

Cecily has already returned, but she looks haunted. Obviously something went horribly wrong in Redcliffe, but since she returned so late at night, she is not going to give her report until tomorrow morning. We know she was successful with the mages, as she brought with her all the mages that were in Redcliffe, but otherwise we do not know. She seems to be leaning on Dorian for support, and he looks haunted as well, though not so much so.

I was relieved to see her unharmed, though I fear her mental state has weakened due to whatever happened in Redcliffe. She looked hugely relieved to see me, as well, and the moment she was off her horse she launched herself at me. The force must have rattled her teeth, because even her light armor caused a loud clang.

It was nice, getting to hold her. Her breathing was very shaky, and she hugged me tight. Just as I put my arms around her after the surprise wore off, though, she pushed herself away. She apologized, eyes downcast, and then turned to hug Josephine and Sister Leliana as well, though much more gently. Dorian then appeared at her side, and they escaped to a secluded part of Haven, whispering the entire time.

Sister Leliana told me that Cecily has been like this the entire way back. She has been haunted, then has to be sure everyone is still there. Usually, that ended in hugging them.

I wonder if she will be in her usual spot by the water tonight. I will be sure to take my time when I walk by there, in case she is just running late.

* * *

 

As usual, Cecily was sitting on her usual rock, this time with her knees pulled up to her chin. She was hugging her legs to her chest, looking small and vulnerable. I made sure I wasn’t moving quietly when I approached her, so I wouldn’t startle her again. The rock I moved next to hers was still there, so I settled myself on it and waited for her to be ready to speak.

Before she began speaking, she moved and placed a hand on my arm, as if she was making sure I was real. She let out a breath and slumped into my side, surprising me.

“Cecily, is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it?” That was the first time I used her name.

“No, I… I will tell you after the meeting tomorrow morning. Right now, I just need company.”

“Alright.”

So, we sat like that together for a while. Once or twice, she angrily wiped away tears, apparently disgusted with herself.

“Cecily, whatever it was that happened, if it was enough to disturb you this much, then you have the right to be upset,” I reminded her. She remained silent, but she squeezed my arm under her hand.

After a while, she asked me to talk about anything. I began to talk about integrating the mages into our forces, but she stopped me and asked if there was something else I could speak about. So, instead, I told her about the legend behind the golem back in Honnleath. I told her that it had also joined the Hero of Ferelden, and now it lives at the castle in Denerim with the Hero and her king, spending most of its time trying to kill any birds that are unfortunate enough to land near it.

That managed to get a laugh out of her, if a weak one. At least she isn’t completely mentally broken. I hope that time will heal whatever wounds Redcliffe caused and that she will soon return to her normal self. I can’t stand to see her so upset like this.

When she decided she was ready to go back into Haven, I escorted her to her cabin. Dorian was there waiting for her. She immediately drifted away from me and toward me. I am still jealous of this, but I suspect that he would never go for her.  My evidence is I have caught him looking at me several times, as well as at other men, and every time he just winks at me. Still, I wish that Cecily would turn to me for support. I suppose I will just have to wait until tomorrow morning to understand what it is that has tortured her mind so.

* * *

 

I have just returned from our war council meeting. Not only does my head hurt from the withdrawls, but what Cecily says happened in Redcliffe is confusing. She had everyone in stunned silence.

Cecily says that, as suspected, the invitation Alexius sent was indeed a trap. However, his trap went awry. He had planned on using one of his strange Fade rifts – the ones that messed with time – to completely destroy Cecily and her very existence. Instead, he sent her a year into the future, along with Dorian. There, she saw what would happen if they did not beat Alexius and his master, someone he called the Elder One.

In that future, Cecily and Dorian had been believed dead.

The castle was sprouting with red lyrium, exactly like what was found at the site of the blast that caused the Breach. Everyone they found in the lower levels of the dungeon, which was where they ended up, had a red haze to their flesh and eyes. Some even had red lyrium crystals growing out of them. They found Varric and The Iron Bull in similar states, both having begun to go mad and singing to themselves.

She said that this Elder One is the true threat. If they don’t succeed, the Empress of Orlais will be assassinated, and the Elder One will bring forth an army of demons. Cecily also said that the guards they ran across also mentioned serving the Elder One.

They found Grand Enchanter Fiona in the cells as well, though much worse off than Varric and The Iron Bull were. Through her is how they found out how much time had passed. Fiona also said that everyone was there – each of the advisors, most of our recruits and agents. However, she had only heard Sister Leliana for a long time. Sister Leliana had been caught right away, due to her being there in the first place because of her plan, but the rest were captured due to the several rescue missions. Every one failed, of course: Redcliffe Castle is nearly impenetrable.

Aside from Varric, The Iron Bull, and Sister Leliana, everyone they found and knew were from the Inquisition were dead. Each and every one. They found Connor, the previous arl’s son, but he was in the middle of killing himself when they found him. Sister Leliana had been tortured that entire year, kept alive solely because Alexius had been using her to research cures for the Blight for his son.

They witnessed mages sacrifice themselves to this Elder One, and demons were everywhere within the castle. Most of the guards attacked on sight, with a frenzy only those possessed usually had.

They killed Alexius in that future, and Dorian somehow managed to send the two of them back to our time, but only after Sister Leliana, Varric, and The Iron Bull sacrificed themselves to protect them. When they came back, only a second had gone by, according to Sister Leliana. They were able to capture Alexius. Just then, King Alistair arrived with his own forces. He was very angry with the mages, and stated that they should take whatever offer the Inquisition presents, lest he have to deal with them himself. Cecily was also able to get out of him that his queen, the Hero of Ferelden, has been missing, and it his heavily taxing him to have to be alone during all of this conflict.

Though it seemed outlandish, Cecily was truly sincere, and Dorian backed her up on everything. Sister Leliana vouched for the disappearing and then reappearing out of another Fade rift, and everything that happened after. We have to believe her, and now we have to work even harder to prevent everything in this twisted future she saw from happening.

After this, we began to make plans for sealing the Breach, but the entire time, Cecily was withdrawn and barely made a single comment. While she normally isn’t too vocal during war council meetings, she is never this silent. I am worried for her. Seeing such a twisted world and so many dead would of course be taxing, but she seems even more so distraught than she would at just having seen that. What could she have seen that would have her so upset?

* * *

 

Cecily has told me what the worst part of it all, the part that upsets her the most, was. While Sister Leliana was horribly tortured in that future, everyone else was tortured near past recognition. She said there was an entire cell block inhabited solely by the decomposing bodies of Inquisition agents. There were even some that she could recognize and knew by name.

Some weren’t dead, but they were so far gone that all they could do was babble in voices so dry they only sounded like the rustle of dead leaves. Some were left strapped to the torture devices they died on.

“The worst part was when I found you and Josephine,” she whispered.

Cecily says that just past a large cell where the bodies of her companions were piled like in a mass grave, there was an elaborate torture room full of every device imaginable. Josephine was reduced almost to bones, the remains of her decomposing flesh holding her together in the stocks she was strapped to. She was only recognizable from the tatters of her signature gold dress clinging to the bones and the long strands of dark hair clinging to the remaining flesh of her scalp. Many of her bones had been broken before she died, held only in place by sagging, decomposing musculature. I had been tied to a table in just my smallclothes, having been beaten nearly beyond recognition. It seemed that I had been used for experimentation, as well, because according to her, squares of skin had been removed, and I had the same pallor as a ghoul. Finally, they had poured molten metal over my face and body, burning holes through the flesh.

Sweet Maker, Cecily saw so many horrifying things. I feel so bad for her, as if it were my fault. Of course, it isn’t, not entirely, but I can only imagine these sights. If I saw Cecily and the others in such a state, I may well have gone hysterical right then and there. Considering what she has told me, Cecily is very strong, but if much more like this happens, I fear her mental state will deteriorate to nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is nearly twice the length of most the others. It's still not extremely long, but it did take me much longer. I wanted to keep all of In Hushed Whispers in one chapter, but if I made it its own, I would have had almost nothing for this one.  
> Also, I would like to apologize for the descriptions of the castle. It always seemed to me that just what little they saw wasn't enough to so deeply disturb the Inquisitor, so I had to stretch it. And apparently, I let it go a little far. This is why the rating has gone up to mature.


	6. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is worried sick.

We are just about to head to the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Preparations went smoothly, though the Templars in our midst are not happy about the arrival of even more mages. It seems like more and more arrive with every passing minute. I had not realized just how many rebel mages there were.

The mages have been instructed on what they are to do. They seem to understand, so I trust we haven’t gone about this the wrong way. My biggest fear about this is the additional magic they add will only make everything worse. How things can get much worse, I am not sure, but I still am fearful of that all the same.

Nearly everyone else who can use a weapon is to come along, myself included. I only hope that things don’t go wrong to the point where our presence is necessary.

We are leaving now. I must go. We shouldn’t keep this waiting any longer than we already have.

* * *

 

Sealing the Breach was successful. Everything went exactly as planned, putting my fears to rest. Everyone looks that much happier, now that the sky is no longer a mass of swirling green. A scar has been left in the sky, but that scar is much better than the Breach itself. I suppose it will serve as a reminder of what nearly was if it remains there.

Now, everyone is preparing for a grand celebration. I suspect it will last well into the night, but it will be good for everyone to take a break and enjoy themselves. Already everyone is in much higher spirits. It will be good for Cecily, after what happened to her in Redcliffe. It kills me to know that she saw such awful things, and I couldn’t be there to try to help lessen her burden.

I suppose I should go help set up. There are to be bonfires near where bards are setting up to play for us, and we could use all the firewood we can find for this. I believe Cecily has volunteered to gather firewood as well, so I could use this to congratulate her on her success.

* * *

 

Partway through the celebration, everything went wrong. People were dancing and singing along to the bards’ music, drinks were flowing in the tavern, bonfires were crackling. However, scouts then noticed a large force approaching. There were no banners flying, so we could not identify them. The doors to the gate were slammed shut.

Then, we heard yelling and the sounds of fighting outside the gate. A voice called out, saying something along the lines of, “I can’t come in unless you open the gate!” Cecily, of course, bolted for the gate. I called after her to try to keep her from doing it, but she still threw the doors open. Standing there was a pale young man in a large hat, holding a pair of daggers and surrounded by fallen soldiers. Cecily pulled him inside and slammed the gate shut again, asking him what was going on.

He explained that the approaching forces belonged to the Elder One, and that they were made up of corrupted Templars. Scouts with spyglasses began reporting awful sights of twisted humanoids with red crystals sprouting out of them. They also said they were being led by a being so disfigured it hardly looked human, if it ever had at all. This was the Elder One the young man – Cole, he had said was his name – had described.

There was an avalanche at some point. I don’t remember when exactly, only that it slowed the advance of these corrupted Templars enough that it bought us some time we could use.

I commanded the trebuchets be aimed and put to use. This did help some, but not enough. These corrupted Templars easily broke through the gates and descended on the trebuchets and those manning them. Cecily ran to help, with The Iron Bull, Varric, and Dorian trailing after her as I had Cole help with moving the civilians to the Chantry.

The next thing I knew, there was a horrible screech and an explosion. When I ran out of the Chantry, there was a smoking pit where there had once been a trebuchet, with Cecily and her companions picking themselves up nearby. A shadow passed over, and what I saw was one of the most horrible things I could imagine. It was a dragon, looking exactly like the tales describe the Archdemon of the Fifth Blight having appeared. This Elder One had a pet Archdemon.

My throat was raw when I retreated back into the Chantry. I had been screaming Cecily’s name as the Archdemon made another move toward her.

It was agony, waiting for Cecily’s arrival. She wasn’t there, and every second felt like hours when she was out there with that Archdemon and that army. People were staggering into the Chantry as we waited for her, saying the Herald was rescuing them. Not long after the sixth person came in, Cecily did herself with her companions.

I was worried about Cecily, but I tried to hide it. It was true that the dragon had taken whatever time Cecily had earned for us. I don’t care what it really was; all that matters is it nearly destroyed our chances of escaping with any lives at all.

Cole said that the Elder One wants Cecily, not the Inquisition as a whole. Though I’m sure her mind was swimming with questions, Cecily merely asked if Cole knew any way that she could stop him. He didn’t know, but then he was distracted by Chancellor Roderick. He had been trying to help anyone he could, despite being mortally wounded himself.

All we could hope for was that maybe another avalanche like the first one that had slowed them could slow them again. Cecily was unwilling to bury Haven in the process, but it was the only way.

Cole began to speak to Roderick, as if he could read the chancellor’s mind. He was too weak to speak for himself. Roderick said he wanted to help, and that there was a passage used as a pilgrimage route that could be used to escape. Cecily asked if I thought it would work, and I did. However, she would be unable to escape herself if she were the one to set up the distraction.

Cecily said nothing, and I know she meant she was willing to die if it was to save the people. Almost as if to comfort myself, I began blabbering about the possibility of finding a way she could escape. When she still didn’t answer, I ordered everyone to follow the Chancellor with whatever they had managed to save. It was all I could do to keep from begging her not to do it. I sent a few scouts with her to load the trebuchets, but otherwise they caught up to us quickly, saying that once they had done that the Herald had dismissed them, saying they should save themselves.

Now, Cecily is just waiting for our signal that we are far enough away. I could see tiny figures fighting near the trebuchets, so I urged us on as fast as we could go. Scouts are setting up the base for the signal fire. It is hard to find wood this far up the mountain, so they are scrambling.

* * *

 

I never should have let Cecily go to the trebuchets. I should have gone with her, at the very least. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to be going through this pain.

Cecily is gone.

Just before she fired the trebuchets, I saw the Archdemon land with the Elder One. I could see the dragon tossing her around like a sack. She was eventually able to fire the trebuchet the dragon hadn’t destroyed, but she was lost in the flurry. We found Varric, Dorian, and The Iron Bull, but Cecily is still missing. There is no sign of her, not even of her body.

Maker, that is the most painful thing I have ever written. I can’t let myself believe she is dead.

We have been sending out search parties to look for her, and I myself head as many as I can. Her companions have set up a makeshift altar of sorts near a frozen-over pond we discovered after a scout fell through the ice in the center. They knew she loved the water. I hope that we can destroy it soon, because it is too painful to look at.

There is another search party heading out soon. I am heading this one as well. I pray that this time we are lucky. Every other time we have been unsuccessful breaks my heart even more. I had just admitted to myself that I care for her, maybe could have even loved her if given more time, and she was snatched from me in one fell swoop. I just want her back. Even if she never feels the same for me, I will be happy if she just comes back to me.

* * *

 

We found her. Maker’s breath, she’s alive. I can’t say she is well, but I can say she is alive.

She was staggering through the blizzard in a pass near our camp when I spotted her. At first, all I had seen was her silhouette, and I had assumed it was my mind playing tricks on me. But it grew larger and more defined, and I knew it was her. Her name ripped from my throat, and I was running toward her before the others could even process what was happening.

I was able to catch her before she collapsed into the snow. She was colder than ice, her eyelashes and hair were crusted with frost, her clothes had frozen solid, and her fingers and nose had a blue tinge to them, but she was breathing. I wrapped my cloak around her and held her to me, breathing in her scent. There was the sharp tang of ice masking it, but it was there: Driftwood and seawater, with a hint of rose.

Her eyelids fluttered as the others caught up. My name was softer than a breath, but it was the most relieving thing I have ever heard. Just before she passed out again, she let out the faintest sigh, though whether it was out of relief I am not sure. I carried her back to camp myself, all the while reassuring her that she was safe and saying she was never allowed to scare me like that again. I doubt she could hear me, but still I said it.

Carrying Cecily back to camp was like carrying a statue of ice. She was cold, and so stiff. She was moving, though most of it was the jostle from my steps and her violent shivers. Those shivers made me wish I wasn’t still wearing my armor, because I am sure it wasn’t very warm, and the sharing of body heat could have helped her.

Solas and the surgeon are working to warm her as best they can. They have her in the warmest tent, wrapped in blankets and furs. She was injured, how I am not sure, but Solas used his magic and some of Adan’s potions to help her. For now, she is asleep, healing and warming up.

I poked my head into the tent to check on her when I noticed it was empty. She looks so small wrapped in all those blankets. Still, even in all of those, she was shivering, grimacing as she did. The tiny movements were enough to hurt her, even in sleep. I doubted it would help, but I draped my own furs over her as well. Almost immediately, she stopped shivering, nuzzling into them. She seemed more at peace. It was adorable, really.

As of now, we are waiting for her to awaken and be declared healthy enough by the surgeon. Even though it is dangerous to remain in one place for a long period of time, no one wants to move Cecily, so here we will stay until she is well enough to move under her own power.

I would not mind carrying her more if we were simply waiting for her to awaken, however.

* * *

 

Cecily woke up today, after only one day of sleeping. Unfortunately, we, meaning the other advisors, Cassandra, and myself, were too busy arguing to be sure she was doing any better. When I finally paused long enough in the bickering to look over, she was deep in conversation with Mother Giselle. I don’t know what of.

They paused in their conversation, and Cecily stood shakily. She was wearing her armor again, but she still shivered every once in a while. We would have to be sure she still has all her blankets in her tent during our nights in the tents.

That was when Mother Giselle began to sing a hymn. It caught everyone’s attention, and it even managed to pull us out of our downcast thoughts. People began to join in, one by one, including myself. Cecily did as well. She sounds like an angel. The Revered Mother said one more thing to Cecily before leaving.

Solas asked for a word with Cecily, and when they had finished with their conversation, she announced that Solas had said there was a keep high in the mountains that we could restore. We will have to scout out safe routes through the mountain passes and follow the directions Solas remembers from his walks in the Fade during his dreams. Still, he promises that this place will be the place the Inquisition will be able to grow and prosper properly.

Skyhold.

* * *

 

We have finally reached Skyhold after nearly a week of hiking. It is a beautiful place, despite its state of disrepair. Everything will be able to be fixed, however. Josephine has already begun sending for stonemasons, carpenters, smiths, every kind of tradesman we will need.

This place is old. It feels almost as old as the mountains themselves, and I can feel the ancient magic within its stone walls. This sensation of ancient magic is intoxicating.

Even though we have only just barely begun to settle after only a few days, people have already begun arriving. Merchants, dignitaries, hopeful recruits, and followers of the church are only a few of the types of people beginning to gather.

Cecily has grown much stronger. She is able to carry her own weight again, but people are taking her work from her. I can see it has begun to irritate her to no end, so I try not to do that myself, but I just cannot help it sometimes. I’ve noticed she doesn’t seem to mind quite so much if I am the one to do it, though.

We have decided to name Cecily our Inquisitor. The ceremony has yet to have been held, and Cecily herself is not yet aware. Still, I am certain she will make a wonderful leader. She has already proven herself to be one. We have decided to hold the ceremony in two days’ time, so things are a bit more settled before we throw everyone into a flurry

* * *

 

Cecily has been officially named Inquisitor. We held the ceremony earlier today. Cassandra led her up to the platform just before the entrance to the great hall as they talked – what about, I do not know. Waiting there was Leliana, holding the sword of the Inquisitor. I heard her surprised question: “Everyone agreed to this?”

Of course we all agreed. Not only is she a natural leader, but she was willing to die to save everyone else. That shows dedication. As Cassandra told her, without her, we would not be here today.

Cecily took the sword, and she looked at the decoration on the hilt. I could see the wheels turning in her head.  She gave a few sentences about her intent to stop Corypheus before Cassandra asked Josephine if the people have been told about the new Inquisitor. At her affirmation, she asked me if they will follow. Of course, everyone began cheering when I asked it again. I held aloft my sword, and Cecily followed suit, the cheers growing deafening as she did.

I haven’t given the ceremony justice. It was much more exciting than I described it. I can still feel the excitement coursing through my veins, several hours after the fact. We held a short meeting in the great hall before separating for the day. We have decided that today is a day for celebration. Cleanup and regular proceedings are to begin again tomorrow.

I can hear the celebration in the tavern all the way here in my tower, on the other side of the courtyard. Cecily is in there. Maybe I should go join the festivities.

* * *

 

Earlier today, during the beginnings of the renovations, I saw Cecily helping wherever she could. I couldn’t help out as much as I would have liked because I had to get training set up again. The tower I have chosen is too run-down to work in for now, so currently I use a board atop some boxes in the lower courtyard as a desk and work area.

After a while, I began to overhear people asking each other where Cecily had gone. I asked what they meant. “We can’t find the Inquisitor. She was just over there helping clear away rubble a minute ago,” they said, pointing to an area near the main gate. I told them I would look.

After just a little while of searching, I found Cecily sprawled on her back on a section of the upper battlements near my tower. She was staring at her hand, watching the light flash from the mark. Cecily must have heard me coming, because she began speaking without even looking at me.

“Would I still be Inquisitor if I didn’t have this mark, Cullen?”

“How did you know it was me?”

“You are the only one who wears such heavy armor around here.”

“I see. I believe you would be. Or, if not Inquisitor, a very important part of the Inquisition.”

Cecily was silent for a moment. “This mark causes pain, every time I use it. It feels as if my hand is on fire, and it spreads further up my arm each time. Until the Breach was sealed, it grew larger each time, as well. The first few times I used it, I wanted to rip my arm off to get away from the pain.”

The mark pulsed just then, the green light casting a sickly pallor to her face. Cecily grimaced, if just for a moment.

I was dumbstruck. I vaguely remember Solas saying something about the mark endangering her, but I didn’t realize it caused pain as well. I approached her and sat beside her.

“It causes you pain?”

“I barely notice it now, but I suppose that is just because I have grown used to it.”

“All this time, and you didn’t say anything?”

“I didn’t want to bother everyone by worrying about me. There were things more important than my health. There still are.”

“Apologies, but I disagree. There are many reasons why your health is important.”

“Like what?”

“The world would be worse off without you in it. In more ways than you think. And there are many people who would be worried if you fell ill.”

“Yes, the people would be worried about losing their symbol of hope.”

“And your friends? All of your companions, advisors and myself included. Surely your family would be worried as well, once they received word.”

“I suppose you are right.” She was silent for a moment. “I still worry about whether I am the right choice for Inquisitor.”

“Of course you are. You care about the people and their well-being, and you do things you don’t have to just because you want to help. You gave the people hope when they thought there was none left, and you survived what would have killed most everyone, just to begin to help as much as you could as soon as you were strong enough to walk on your own power. Without you, most everyone would not have survived the escape from Haven.”

Cecily was silent again. She let her hand fall to her stomach and stared at the sky for a while. “I suppose.”

I sat with Cecily for a while longer. She seemed like she needed just some time to sit with someone in silence, after she let out some of the worries she had been bottling up. After a while, she sat up and stretched, turning to me.

“Thank you, Cullen. I needed that.”

“Of course.”

I suppose I should mention how I’m able to record our conversations. I’m just putting down what I remember. Paraphrasing, if you will.

I escorted Cecily back to the lower courtyard where she had been working before I returned to my own work. I was immediately swamped with work once the scouts realized I had returned. Still, I could feel eyes on me the entire time. Once, I glanced up, and I realized it was Cecily watching me as she worked. She quickly looked away once I noticed her. I got back to work, but I could feel my ears flushing red. I hope no one noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said the last chapter might be an odd one out in terms of length, but this one is only just shorter, so maybe all chapters will be getting longer?  
> Starting tomorrow, this is my last week of high school. And it's my finals week and my graduation from my community college. Next week is graduation from my high school. Man, it's finally almost here. After this week, I bet updates are probably going to be released more quickly, but I'm not going to guarantee anything.


	7. Midmorning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen longs for what he thinks he can't have.

I was in the middle of instructing the scouts to find out what’s in the area around Skyhold and to get the soldiers set up when Cecily approached me at my makeshift desk. It still bothers me that the dragon archdemon thing the Elder One had was able to destroy everything so quickly. Of course, it’s obvious why, but we spent so much time setting everything up, only to have it all torn down in seconds.

Cecily tried to tell me it wasn’t my fault, but if I hadn’t been so laid back during the celebration, maybe we could have seen him coming sooner and been able to get everyone and most everything out before he reached us. I could see in her eyes that she hated what had happened too, but I couldn’t let her say it wasn’t my fault. It was my fault we couldn’t get out in time, and it was my fault we almost lost her.

I filled Cecily in on everything we have been able to do so far – set up guard rotations, begin work on the keep, getting ready for any potential attacks. It saddened me to say out loud how many we lost in the attack. We don’t even know an exact number, because so many bodies remain buried under the snow. How many are lost, searching for where we went, and how many more lay frozen under several feet of ice and snow?

I told her that while the collective morale dropped due to the attack, it has impressively improved due to her acceptance of the title of Inquisitor. She just hopes she will be a good enough leader, but I know she will be. Cecily has already proven herself in that. I hope my talk with her the other day will help her to see that.

Cecily paused, and then mentioned how close the escape from Haven was. Of course it was close; She nearly died trying to save us all! We did think she was dead for quite a while. Her exact words were, “I’m relieved that you – that so many made it out.”

I said I was as well, and I’m hoping she understood my not-so-hidden meaning. She seemed to grow a little flustered and turned to leave, but I stopped her. I had to tell her I wouldn’t allow Haven to happen again. I can’t lose her, not now. I gave her my word before I let her leave.

* * *

 

Cecily is planning on leaving for the Fallow Mire in a few days. She has completely regained her strength and is able to spar with other scouts again. She was so obviously unhappy when she had to rest, so it is good that she is able to carry on as she prefers to. Cecily is the type to prefer doing everything she can to help and does not like to remain idle.

She is going to the Fallow Mire because we have heard rumors of a tribe of Avvar becoming very antagonistic toward the scouts that have been sent ahead. Cecily does not seem very happy about having to go there, what with the bog and the rumors of the dead rising from the waters. I would not be happy either, but we have to be sure those scouts are going to be alright.

I believe I forgot to mention that Cecily allowed the young boy Cole stay with us. Not everyone was happy with her about that, but Cole seemed very happy to have been allowed to stay. All he seems to want is to help people, and if he works with Cecily, then he will be able to.

Cole is a very strange boy. It seems he is a spirit of compassion, and yet he has not possessed anyone. He just presents as this young boy. I don’t understand the explanation he gave me.

Every time you speak with Cole, he gives these strange, cryptic statements. And, since he has arrived here, strange things have been happening. Turnips have been burned, hoards of daggers have been found in barrels, and loaves of bread have been found on all of the battlements, among other things. Cecily has discovered that these things have been his doing, and they were his ways of trying to help people. As it turns out, they did end up helping people.

Earlier today, I saw Cecily and Cole talking together while I was instructing the recruits on how they should go about their training. They were sitting on the stairs up to the main hall. Cole began to speak for a long time, and every time I glanced over, Cecily had grown brighter red. I wonder what he could have been saying to make her so embarrassed.

Every time I look at her, I find myself wishing there was a way we could be what I wish we could. If there was a way I could think of, I would use it.

* * *

 

Cole has turned that embarrassment on me. I still don’t know what he said to Cecily, but he appeared next to me in the courtyard as I watched Cecily train with Cassandra. He was silent for a moment, before he began to speak. I keep replaying everything he said in my mind.

“The chains are gone, the quiet back under the noise, but it hurts. The storm calms when she is here.”

It took me a while to understand who “she” is, but once I realized he was talking about me, well, I suppose it’s obvious who “she” is. I could feel my ears getting hot. Then he said more.

“Happy or sad, a decision can’t be made. Happy to be around him, or sad I can’t have him? Should I speak it, or should I remain quiet? Maybe if I throw myself into responsibility, I’ll forget it all, even though I know he worries when I’m gone. Without courage, there’s nothing else to do, but where can I find that kind of courage? It’s different than the courage needed to fight, and I don’t know how to muster it.”

As he was saying that, Cole was staring straight at Cecily. Could what he have been saying been from her? Does his staring at someone mean he is hearing their thoughts? I think it does. I could feel my ears getting hotter than they had been. I had to look away when Cecily looked over at us. I was too embarrassed. When I turned back to Cole to ask if they really were Cecily’s thoughts, he was gone.

* * *

 

Cecily is in the Fallow Mire now. She brought Cole with her, as well as Dorian and Bull (who has given me permission to use the nickname instead of his full name). At least Cole won’t be around to embarrass me further, though if what he was saying before was really Cecily’s thoughts, then he might be able to further embarrass her.

I hope that what he had been saying to her wasn’t my own thoughts. If he was, I’ll likely die of embarrassment. I can’t tell if she might feel the same way, but even if she did, it would still be embarrassing to have her know exactly how I feel.

* * *

 

As it turns out, the rumors about the dead rising from the bog is true. According to the report Cecily sent back, any time the water is disturbed, at least ten come out of the waters and attack. Also, the Avvar have become violent: The scouts that were being threatened have disappeared in the amount of time it took for Cecily to reach the Fallow Mire. For now, we just have to wait for her to save those scouts and take care of whatever rifts that have opened up out there.

Now that I know that Cecily is hurt every time she uses her mark, I feel bad for sending her out to seal them. I know they must, and I know Cecily doesn’t mind, but it still makes me feel bad to know that she has to harm herself in order to protect people. I wish there was something that I could do, but of course, there isn’t.

The symptoms of my withdrawals have returned. My hands and feet feel cold again, and my head aches with every loud sound and bright light. Cole was right; my withdrawals do seem to be easier on me when Cecily is around. I don’t really understand why, but I doubt it’ll last for too long. I’m just waiting for it to get worse when she is around.

* * *

 

Cecily has sent a raven ahead, to let us know she will be back soon. She was able to rescue the scouts, but she had to kill the Avvar in the area. The Hand of Korth, his name was, would have killed her and the others if she didn’t.

Not only that, but there was an Avvar shaman called Sky Watcher who wanted only to carry out the will of the Lady of the Skies, the Avvar goddess. He saw the Breach as a sign from her, and when he saw Cecily close a rift, he came to the conclusion that she was sent to heal the Lady of the Skies, and that her mission is some kind of holy calling. Honestly, it isn’t much different than our beliefs of her. Sky Watcher asked to come with her once she took down the Hand of Korth, and Cecily agreed. He is to help with Josephine.

They are all to arrive within two days or so. I hope those few days go by relatively quickly. I miss Cecily’s presence. Skyhold is less lively when she isn’t here, and, like Cole said, when she is around, I feel so much better when she is here.

* * *

 

Cecily has returned to us. Even smelling like death and covered in bog water and peat moss, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

While Cecily was cleaning herself up (after announcing where she was going and subsequently leading to thoughts I shouldn’t be having), a scout appeared, saying he had been up on the battlements and saw someone walk up with a pair of goats tucked under his arms. Then, he began to throw the goats repeatedly at the walls. This man was Chief Movran the Under, who, coincidentally, is the father of the Hand of Korth. We arrested him and held him until Cecily came back down from her chambers. Her hair turns a gorgeous copper color when it’s wet.

Once she was ready, we held her second trial (the first being that of Alexius, where Cecily made him to research magic arcana for us), with Josephine presiding over it. I watched her do this judgement; I believe she made a good choice. He explained his reasoning for attacking the keep with goats was that it is an Avvar custom to attack the holding of the one who kills one’s child. Avvars do not like Tevinters, and the Hand of Korth was sent to go kill some. Instead, he attacked Cecily. Movran claimed he was not upset about his son’s death because he was stupid, but he had to follow the custom. Cecily sentenced him to armed exile in Tevinter and said he could carry on as he so chose, both taking care of our issue with him and making him happy.

I approached Cecily after the judgement was over. She laughed when I said that I thought she made a good decision, claiming she only did what she thought was best, since the chief was only following his custom. She then excused herself, claiming she had to speak with Blackwall. I wasn’t able to ask her if she had time to speak.

* * *

 

Dorian invited me to a game of chess today. He was bragging about how good he was, but I ended up being the one to win. Dorian seemed very surprised that I was “sassing him,” in his words. That was when I noticed Cecily approaching. I began to stand to meet her, but Dorian began to say that if I was leaving, then that meant he wins. I couldn’t let him be able to say that, so I sat back down to continue playing, despite not being able to tear my full attention away from her.

Cecily didn’t want us to stop just because she came over to watch, so we continued to play. Dorian began to gloat before he had even won, and I had him in the next move. I had to laugh when Dorian said “there would be no living with me” if I began to get smug as he got up to leave.

I invited Cecily to play, saying otherwise I would be returning to my duties. She sat down to join me right away. As I set up the board, I told Cecily that my sister used to always beat me in chess, so I practiced with my brother until I could finally beat her. Even just telling about her look when I finally did made me want to laugh again. I mentioned in passing that I haven’t seen my siblings in years, and Cecily took on a pained look for just a moment. I suppose she misses her family as well.

She asked about them, so I told her that I have two sisters and a brother, that they moved away after the Fifth Blight, and that I very rarely write them. Maybe I should write one soon.

We continued to play for a while before I had to say that this was the longest we had gone without a mention of the Inquisition. I suppose that means I broke the running, saying that, but it doesn’t really matter. I had to tell her that I appreciated it, and I still do appreciate any time we get to talk.

Cecily said we should talk more often, spend more time together. When I agreed, she said, “Me too.” It was adorable, really, as was how flustered she became once I pointed out that she had said that already.

Eventually, she won, though I must admit that I kind of was letting her win. I have no doubts that even if I wasn’t she would have been able to beat me, but I just wanted to see how she would react if she won. She didn’t gloat, didn’t rub it in, only seemed glad to have been able to play with me at all. I told her we should play again eventually. She seemed very happy that I suggested that.

* * *

 

I wish that there was a way that Cecily and I could continue the way I want to. I suppose that for now I just have to be happy that I can call her my friend.

I see her running all over the place, trying to help out where she can. She has planted the seeds she finds in the gardens, usually the ones she uses most often and whatever rare ones she could find. She does what she can to make sure everyone is as comfortable as they can be. I heard that she even asked after the plans for the restorations, trying to find out where she could help.

And she was worried she wouldn’t be a good enough leader. Obviously she cares more for the people than she does for herself, and while I wish she would be more careful with herself, it is nice to know she cares about the people who hold her so highly. I can only hope she cares for me as much as well.

Now that I’ve written all of this, I’ll have to be sure I am careful with this book now. I’ve caught Sister Leliana snooping in Josephine’s office, so I don’t doubt she’s been in mine as well. I wonder where I could hide this so I won’t have to worry about it being found and subsequently falling into the wrong hands. We all know what would happen if Sister Leliana found out about how I feel about Cecily, and if she told Josephine they would tease me until I crawled into a hole and died of embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took me so long. With my two graduations and work immediately shooting my hours up now that I'm not in school any more, I haven't had much time to write. Though I did finish my first playthrough of Inquisition! I wasn't able to kill the last two dragons like I wanted, but there wasn't enough left for me to do to level up enough to be able to kill them without dying myself. Maybe I'll go back and kill them later. Still, it took me 97.5 hours!  
> Now I've moved on to Mass Effect, which I suck at because I suck at shooters, ahaha. Not gonna lie, I like it so far, but I like Dragon Age better.  
> Speaking of which, I got the first three Dragon Age books the other day. I'm excited to start them; I've heard they aren't AMAZING, but I've also heard a lot of good about them so I guess I just have to see.


	8. Daytime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is elated.

Soon, Cecily will be leaving for the Forbidden Oasis. She has been gathering these strange shards she finds through the use of oculara in the regions she visits. Josephine pulled some strings to allow for an enchanter she knows to be able to study them. Apparently, these shards have something to do with a temple in the oasis.

Also, Venatori have been seen in the area. I suppose there are Tevinter artifacts in the area, and they are interested in those. Maybe they are looking for magical artifacts that they might be able to boost their power with. Dorian wants to get rid of them as soon as possible; He does not approve of what they are doing in supporting Corypheus.

There was a mining company that tried to take advantage of the resources in the area at one point, but most of the miners went mad. If it is truly an elven temple there, I am not surprised.  Evil magic can twist one’s mind permanently, and that temple probably is full of lingering magic, some likely not from the elves. I just hope it doesn’t affect Cecily. I still have nightmares from all of the evil magic I was around in the blood mages’ attack on the Circle Tower eleven years ago.

Aside from the Venatori, however, the oasis is supposed to be very beautiful. I’m hoping that Cecily will be able to enjoy herself amongst it all. With all of the horrible things she has been through and has to see continually because of her responsibility, she deserves to be someplace as beautiful as her. I just hope that she can easily clear out the Venatori so that she can enjoy herself the way she deserves.

* * *

 

Cecily is leaving for the Forbidden Oasis tomorrow. I really wish she didn’t have to go, or at least not so soon. Not after what happened today.

Today, Cecily came to my tower and asked if I had a moment to talk. She is always sure of her words, but apparently today she wasn’t when she asked me that: She stuttered, and was too quiet. I have never heard her sound so uncertain, and I’m sure she rarely feels that way herself, because she flushed after she finally was able to get her question out.

We walked out along the battlements connected to my tower. She seemed to be at a loss for words, so I tried to fill the silence. And what did I say? “It’s a nice day.” I am utterly hopeless.

I asked her what she wished to talk about, and she laughed, saying it wasn’t the weather. At that moment, I would have been okay with it if the Maker had struck me down right then and there, but I’m glad He didn’t. I could tell what she wanted to talk about – us – but I had to say that while I thought about it much, I never thought it would get there. She seemed confused, so I explained that she was the Inquisitor and I her commander, and that I didn’t think it could be possible.

She pointed out that she was still there, and that it was her who started the entire conversation. That was true; I was worrying for no real reason other than being embarrassed. I was just about to kiss her when a scout came looking for me. I had ordered a report be delivered to my office, but of course the scout missed the “office” part and instead came looking for me.

I scared him off with just a look – I should find him and apologize, maybe explain? No, that would be too embarrassing – and when I looked back at Cecily, she looked extremely embarrassed and a little disappointed. She began to say that I could go back to my duties if I had to, but I just couldn’t. Instead, I kissed her, pinning her between myself and the battlement wall. She sounded surprised, but it made her happy enough. She melted into my arms after just a second.

I know I sound like a schoolboy with a crush, but I don’t care. I had wanted to do that for too long, and finally getting to was like my own personal paradise. Of course, the first thing out of my mouth when I pulled away was an apology, but she just told me not to be sorry and pulled me back to her.

We walked back to my tower, and Cecily wanted to talk. She mentioned that people were bound to talk, because we are surrounded by gossipers and everyone wants to know everything about the Inquisitor. It spreads faster through the soldiers’ barracks; I won’t be surprised if everyone knows by this time tomorrow if even one scout saw us. Still, I was too busy to notice if anyone did see us. Of course, I would prefer to keep things secret, and we agreed to try, but I doubt it will stay that way for more than just the rest of today, if that.

Then, she asked me exactly how long I had wanted to kiss her. I had to laugh, because how long had it really been? I began to fall for her the moment I saw her; I just hadn’t realized it right away. Instead, I just told her it had been too long for me to say. She said she had noticed that I don’t have patience for nobility and was glad that her title hadn’t scared me away (though when she mentioned her title, I noticed she sounded a little sad – I wonder what has happened between her and her family for her to become upset when it is mentioned?). But of course, that brought things back into focus. I hadn’t thought about it before, but outside the Inquisition, I have no title now that I am no longer a part of the Templar Order. My family was a farming family from Honnleath. Once I remembered that, it made me worry that it would bother her. Thankfully, she doesn’t – she says that all that matters is that I care for her. Of course I do; she is the most important person in my life.

Cecily apologized for “putting me on the spot,” but there was nothing to apologize for. I had to tell her that I am not good at this whole loving someone thing. The last time I thought I might love someone was eleven years ago, a mage at the Circle Tower. She didn’t realize, however, and I watched her die trying to protect some apprentices from a horde of demons Uldred had summoned. Before that, I can’t remember anyone else. I admitted that I hadn’t expected to find anything or anyone here, though I am glad I did. She just laughed and kissed me, our third kiss.

She had to leave then, to begin to gather up supplies for her trip tomorrow.  I know I already said it, but I don’t want Cecily to leave, at least not right away.

* * *

 

Cecily’s expedition to the Forbidden Oasis has been delayed for one day due to not having enough of the herbs she needs for her grenades and health potions. She will leave tomorrow instead. Scouts on their way back to Skyhold have been told to search for the ones she needs.

We held a war council meeting today. I could see Sister Leliana looking at me out of the corner of her eye. She’s suspicious, I just know it. I have no doubts that if she doesn’t already know, she will very soon.

We began to talk about where Cecily should go next when she returns from the oasis. I took advantage of the discussion to walk around the table and stand next to her. She leaned across the table to bring Josephine and Sister Leliana’s attention to a spot in Ferelden and used their distraction to get me to take her hand under the table. It would have been too obvious to really hold hands, though, so I just took her little finger into my hand. It was hard, trying to keep without smiling. I don’t think Josephine and Sister Leliana noticed.

We were the last two to leave. I didn’t dare try to kiss her, for fear of Josephine or Sister Leliana returning for some forgotten report. Thankfully, she told me to come to her rooms when the tavern began to serve dinner (so as to prevent as many sightings of me going to her rooms as possible). I have no doubts that she will wish to speak of her impending expedition.

* * *

 

Cecily’s trip to the oasis was only part of her reason she wanted to speak with me. She told me she was upset to have to leave me so soon after we finally acted on our emotions, but it isn’t her fault. She also said she just couldn’t stand to wait on her emotions any longer, even though she knew that if I did reciprocate her feelings it would hurt having to leave so soon.

Of course, I feel the same way. But, to try to ease her mind, I told her that I would be thinking of her the entire time she was gone. That she would never need to worry about my feelings for her wavering. I also told her that I would have a surprise waiting for her when she returned, so I wanted her to send me a message when she was leaving. That way, I could prepare properly and not end up surprised and unprepared by her return. She smiled and promised, before turning to watch the fire.

I took that time to look around at her room. It’s very cozy, decorated in a blend of Free Marches and Ferelden style. It surprised me that Cecily spends so much time out of her room when it seemed to be perfect for her in every way, despite the piles of reports on her desk. Even the books on her shelves seem to be exactly what she would want, no doubt Dorian-approved. She told me, once, that Dorian spends most all of his spare time in the Inquisition’s library, reorganizing it and ordering more books for it. She also said that he complains to her when he comes back to find someone was careless with the books.

When I turned back, I realized that Cecily had turned away from the fire and had been watching me inspect her room. She raised an eyebrow, and I just shrugged. I told her about my surprise that she doesn’t stay in here more often. Cecily shrugged.

“I like to be around people, and my room is just so removed from everyone. I love it in here, but since no one comes up here but myself,” she said, trailing off.

“That’s probably because people know it’s your room up here and wish to respect your privacy.”

She chuckled. “And then they wonder why I end up sleeping in Sera’s room in the tavern or Cassandra’s above the blacksmith.”

“You do?”

Cecily nodded. “I had an older sister, a year older than me. We always shared a room, despite having plenty of room in the family estate for us to have separate rooms. She was my best friend growing up. I guess always spending time with her made it so that I hate to be alone.”

She fell silent, then stepped closer and wrapped her arms around me, laying her head on my chest. It made me glad I had taken off my armor before I came. I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and she looked up at me and smiled. Cecily stood on her toes and kissed me. We spent a few hours curled up together in front of her fire before she had to get ready for bed – they would be leaving early the next morning. I kissed her again just before I left. It was our fifth.

* * *

 

Now that Cecily has left, I find myself feeling lonely. Since we settled here, I started taking my walks along the battlements. With her gone, I end up stopping along the battlements near the gate and staring out over the path out of the mountains.

While I hope that Cecily can enjoy herself in the beauty of the oasis once she clears out the Venatori, I wish she were still here with me. I’ve fallen so hard for her, but I don’t even mind. Cecily is a wonderful woman, and I am lucky to have met her, let alone won her heart.

I just hope that her trip to the oasis won’t be a long one. She has only been gone for one day, hasn’t even reached the oasis yet, and I miss her terribly. I want her to come back to me safe after taking care of her business there, but I will worry every day she is away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm struggling with everything I write. I had ideas for what I wanted to do with this chapter, but I just could not get it out onto the Word document. Because of that, this chapter is a little shorter than I wanted it to be. Sorry, guys. The next chapters won't be so short, but I'm also going to say that it might take me a little while to get it out if it takes me a while to get over this slump.

**Author's Note:**

> After seeing so many versions of the Inquisitor's and Cullen's romance, I decided I wanted to do something with mine. However, I'm still on my first playthrough, so when I get to where I am in my game I may have to slow postings due to how busy it's been in my last quarter of public school. But once graduation comes to pass things should be able to speed up because of all the free time I'm planning on having.  
> Thanks to LadyNorbert for allowing me to use her journal setup.


End file.
